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Detective Files: The Murtuza Exposee

It had been 2 years since I left Parle G's COET, two years since I had worked on any case. Much had changed in two years!! Due to lack of work in investigation field, people had changed professions...RB-85 along with the G Man, Qazi Barve(taken up the profession of part time pole dancer) had left the country for higher specialization. Tatya Chinchu got into the IIT, the AL-Makrande was in Bajaj!! Most of them had said Tata to Tata. Ballack was certified FAcoach.Khairya had become the Disco Man while KAA-Tea , well didn't have much info about him.
Me being bankrupt, had returned to Nashik.Jobless I decided to start my work again. To get back my reputation I had to find out the real identity of Murtuza!!!The same Murtuza who had terrorised everyone with his foul language and evil Deeds...I knew that if I found out who Murtuza was then I will be in business.
But I needed a rich financer, who had the same views as mine. I knew exactly who would finance me--- UV Kelkar---
He gave me one gony full of 1000 rs notes on one condition: he wanted to be a part of investigation team.

And thus began the second phase of my career.

It was a very dangerous case full of danger, deceit, seduction and risk!It was a case where I couldn't trust anyone, not even RB-85,Mandrake , UV Kelkar or not even myself.Anyone could be Murtuza!!I knew that while investigating this case, many dark secrets will be revealed.
It was time to change my approach. Instead of identifying the suspects directly, I first decided to identify the victims, the possible reason behind the verbal attack on the victim, and the possible suspects based on the type of attack,motives and the degree of attack.

Major Victim : Khatik Khokle(in the picture): The most annoying person in Parle-G's COET. Rumoured of having a Live in relationship with Bandya Bury-Swallow.Had made several of enemies in all branches due to his Mind Blowing(Boom) personality !!! His enemies grew at a rate faster than the birth rate of Porkistan(Read Pakistan)

Suspect 1.1: Bandya Bury-Swallow: Had a motive- wanted to remove all his frustration but since Khatik being his live in partner, couldn't get his frustration out. So foul mouthed by keeping his secrecy in form of Murtuza.Also the use of word "Khujur" made him the prime suspect. Also was angry at football team members as he didn't get a chance to be a part of football team.(also a prime suspect in injuring and fracturing The Disco Man and scaring away Kaa-Tea from football, thus craeting 2 vacant positions). Also a hate community was created against AL-Mandrake, could be a result of AL Mandrake questioning his knowledge about AakShee Milan.

Suspect 1.2: Kaa-Tea: Was jealous of the Live in relationship between Khatik and Bandya, and this fact was not hidden. Most people believed that Kaa-Tea was Murtuza. That unique abusive words added fuel in the fire. Cinchi the Vinchi was also one of the victims and Kaa Tea was famous at taking digs at him and PP.

Suspect 1.3: The Disco Dancers (The Disco Man and the Qazi Barve) : When Bandya and Kaa Tea are involved you cannot discard the disco dancers. They worked together on the princiPAL(Kedar Godbole) enemies enemy is my friend.Also with Disco man's Networks in Sanfrancisco, the Dancer had got many lucarative and private pole dance projects. Also Bandya and Kaa-Tea had made fun of Disco Man's failed attempts to seduce the lesbian girl from electronics department.The real targets being Kaa Tea and Bandya Khatik was a pawn. Other people being abused was just a distraction.

Suspect 1.4: All Electrical People including the likes of Shemanshu Pinghania,SPK,Sunaiya Chawre, Nene, Chandrashekhar Kumbhar:
They had suffered the most of Khatik's torture. So had every reason to abuse Khatik. They say a goat doesn't gain weight when it has butcher's knife everyday in front of it. Same was the effect on electrical people. Even the likes of Brahme,Sunaiya and Andy Khedlekar had lost weight...infact Andy lost his stamina to drink Thums-Up.After Khatik's brilliant performance as a playmaker in interclass college SPK had become jealous of him.Nene was a suspect too because he hated Khatik a lot and had dreams of murdering Khatik!!Shemanshu was a suspect because I simply hated that guy.

Suspect 1.5: AL-Makrande: Was of the opinion that the way drawing of Puppet's Cartoon is banned, Khatik should also be banned from speaking a single word. Khatik's existence itself contradicted with his interpretation of Kuu-Ran being good.The community created against him can just be a plan to take suspicion away from him....Since Murtuza also abused me, AL Makrande had become a major suspect in my as well as UV's eyes;Al Makrande being psuedo-secular while we being Hindutva Vadi.

Suspect 1.6: The Skate Maestro: Also known as the Single Quote Killer, I spared none.Since this case was of utmost importance as I previously said, I couldn't trust even myself. Yes I was also one of the main suspects. Motive behind abusing Khatik? Not many know that I hated Khatik even before seeing his face. In the first year, when I was the captain of A division's cricket team, Khatik had spread the rumor that A-team had given a bye when the reality was that the match had been postponed. There was a revolt led by Shemanshu(who wanted to be the captain) whom I had kicked out of the team earlier. I had to crush this revolt. Khatik would have to pay the price in the future. Which he did!!!!For all four years it remained a mystery to Khatik about who had coined the term Khatik Khokle: It was me...who had made him famous as the most annoying guy, the most boring person in Parle-G which was unanimously accepted by everyone: It was me!!Who had leaked the information about the scandal between Khatik and Bandya?: It was me.Who was the mastermind behind Khatik losing the EESA elections? It was me(@Disco Man: Ata ahe ka cartman honyachi layki majhi?) .So it was highly possible that just to extend my revenge I could be Murtuza.

Suspect 1.7: Gelatin Bhibhishan(From E&TC): When I had made it public that I am going to investigate on the real identity of Murtuza, the first person to like it on Facebook was Gelatin Bhibhishan, this created a doubt in my mind. Already jealous of Kaa-Tea and Disco Man as Wadia Gupta had joined them both in their project group, Gelatin was rumoured to have an affair with the Black Demonic Dukkar from IT.Though they both made a perfect couple, they had managed to keep it a secret. Pitmax had confirmed that these rumours were true on one condition that his identity be kept a secret.After investigating into this matter, I found out that Khatik was blackmailing Gelatin. He had some compromising photos of the black demonic dukkar and Gelatin together.

Suspect 1.8: PP: No 1 enemy of KAA-TEA. According to KAA-TEA, she resembled Magica The Witch from Duck Tales. It was no seceret that they both hated each other. Also since majority of the public abused by Murtuza were from E&TC , she could be the one.Also as I was abused, I knew she hated me for the match report on Parle-G's COET vs COE-PP(Mirchi lagli ka) incident.

Suspect 1.9: Phuskar Dudhal: An outsider, who had nothing to do with Parle-G!!!But still had the motives.He supported Inter Milan, Bandya Supported A C Milan. Guys like Darya Danger and Chinchi da Vinchi had made fun of Dudhal when he was in School..Revenge time!! Paul Octopus has predicted that Dudhal is the nemesis of AL-Makrande

(To be continued....In the next issue, the identity of Murtuza is revealed, will it be someone from the above suspects or will it be some different person..)

Parle-G's COET scores 1st goal in 6 yrs

(Some old stuff posting it here before posting the new one...I will definitely try to be active)

12th Sept :
In a soccer match played betwn Parle G's Coet and COE PP(mirchi lagli ka)Parle G's Coet scored its first goal in 6 years
Ther was some confusion about the goal scorer betn chinchi and ballack but KAA-TY(Not cat-ty)
reported that it was ballack who scored(Was it bcos of PP).But the heros of the day wer
Sage hair Jhingle and Odd Wait Wenger who played a vital role in the victory of COE PP.
Jhingle who was believed to play for Chetuk A was the player of the match(He was supposed to be the last man behind both the defenders Mandy and SAMYA:actually Samya was goin to play in front but KAA-ty got a red card bcos he didn't bring a red card Khairya was the obvious sub for him but Jhingle and wenger had some other plans.Samya was made to play as a defender and Kanav who was parle G's glucose i.e.secret weapon was introducedearly.)
The first half was dominated by parle-G who played with just 2 defenders who did an excellent job.Jhingle the last man at one time became a first man and even had an off-side decision against him.Later he became a goal keeper and tried to catch the ball from halfline.
In the second half jhingle made a big blunder.He could not clear a simple ball givin possesion to COE PP players.
It was 4 on 2: 4 coe PP players vs sam and mandy.COE PP scored.Ryan tried his best but it was always goin to be difficult
to save the goal.
Vulgar language was heard from the Parle-g's dressing room.
But the players did not lose hope.......Chinchi,Swap-Mech wala,Kanav,Ballack,Nanda-Batta,COOL improved their game.
They got 2 free kicks.First one,it was inches away from goal.
But the 2nd free kick was converted .Kanav took a perfect free kick.Ther was confusion in the D of COE-PP and GOAL!!!!
Their 1st goal in 6 years.It was either ballck or Chinchi ...........dunno much.
Now wenger had some other plans........Cool who was a regular penalty taker was substituted instead of jhingle or Wenger.Chaiti was brought in did his best in the limited time. Meanwhile jhingle again left one ball, this time he became a donkey and slept on the ground.Again 4 on 2....but Mandy, Sam and Ryan did an excellent job
to save the ball.Wenger (the playing manager) took goal kicks only to clear the ball out of the ground,It was time for penalties:
Parle-G had the best goal keeper,some good penalty takers and a captain who boasted to have never missed a penalty.But COE-pp had jhingle and ODD-WAIT.
Swap converted 1st one.COE-PP too converted the 1st one.
Jhingle to take the 2nd one.In the whole match he had not hit the ball even at a knee height but the penalty he took.......the ball had gone over the
goal post..up up and away.
Pressure on ryan and coe-PP scored.Kanav and Sam took excellent shots.
Ryan made an excellent attempt and made a brilliant save.
4 penalties wer over.Score was 3-3.5th penalty taker was Wenger who had never missed a penalty.(Was it true?)........he lost his moral
he said "majha moral down jhala".And told chaiti to take the penalty....he missed.
Pressure on Ryan and...........he saved.
6th penalty :No one was ready hence wenger took it.
The 2nd worst penalty of the match.He had hit the ball with his heels.He had missed it.
COE-PP converted the last one........they had won

In an exclusive interview the reserve player of parle-G i.e. NO 27 (SKATE) said "I would have easily converted the penalty.
In practice my performance,khade's performance was any time better than jhingle cause we play for the team and not for ourselves
.Jhingle SUX."

It was later reveled that Jhingle did not play for Chetuk-A but for Chetuk-SHE..who was goin to get demoted to Chetuk-PEE.

The Neighbourhod NightCrawlers

The Neighbourhod NightCrawlers

My Nights had been boring recently.To get rid of this I had come back home for a change.
But still there was no change in the my condition....Until recently!!!!

In my neighbourhood empty plot there arose not one but The Three NightCrawlers.Each of these nightcrawlers have started causing menace every night turn by turn,one night crawler every night,ruining my mom's sleep.My dad being a sound sleeper couldn't care less. And as far as I am concerned lord has answered my prayers and made my nights exciting.

Now before you come to any conclusion and start imagining some mutated being teleporting from one place to another,let me clarify you about these so called night crawlers.

Actually a Bitch (Now I am not being vulgar or rude because there are no such words as dogess or a she dog) has given birth to 3 puppies a month ago and they have started to go bonkers especially every night.
The plot where they have illegally made their home has a 5 feet wall compound.On the inner side there is some sand deposition at one place of about 4.10 feet in height and on the outer side adjacent to the road is some 2 feet grass.
Now everyday either one of the nightcrawlers climbs this mountain of sand at night and declares that it is the king of the world.In its joy and excitement of climbing Mt. Everest it forgets that every mountain has a steep cliff.And it takes a tumble of the mountain into the 2 feet tall jungle.Being small and scared it starts squeaking.On this side of the wall are the other 2 nightcrwalers and there helpless mother.One gets a combination of rock,jazz and classical(Mind you,its not fusion) sung by Himesh,Farhan AKhtar and Enrique.
Now this is where my night becomes exciting.
My mission is to ensure the delivery if the puppy back to its home.My colony has 6 dogs excluding the family of night crawlers. 4 of them are stray and when this king of the hill takes a tumble these stray ones get a boost and start the harassment.5th one being a pet in the end bungalow also starts supporting his friends by barking and makes his presence felt.Its like the puppy is behind the enemy lines and I have to save it.So i have to keep an eye on these stray dogs and on the other hand I need to get hold of the scared puppy crawling in the grass hiding from its saviour.
Now as mentioned earlier there are 6 dogs in my colony. 6th being none other than Bruno,my cousin's dog ( I have a serious doubt that Bruno was the father of these puppies) is excited the most on seeing me and starts jumping with the chain around its neck.Poor guy!! Lil does he know that I am not even going to talk to him.
Now after searching and luring the puppy for half an hour, keeping the strays away,and also keeping a watch on other night crawlers or say the musketeers , i finally get hold of this scared poor guy and say 'Jai Ho'.When it is in my hands it looks so innocent, it doesn't even make a sound,it just shivers.Every night I place that cute little puppy on the other side of the wall hoping that it will wag its tail in happiness,but to my surprise it starts barking at me as a warrior trying to protect its land. I just go back to sleep with a smile hoping that one day at least it will consider me as its friend.

-Skate